So much on my heart and mind the last couple of days. I’m not a crier. I bottle it up. I think of something else. I pick up a book. Joke with the kids. Start cleaning something.
The last few days though, I've let the tears flow. I usually don’t open up so easily. But felt impressed to share my heart. Michael has been working 24 hour straight through shifts, coming home to crash for just a couple hours on the couch and then staying awake to spend time with the kids before heading back to work. Today he came home, kissed me, called me his sweetheart and headed to bed, because he has to get up at 2amWed. and work until 3am on Thursday morning for mission training! I wanted to make him a nice lunch, but he said he would be eating MRE’s (meals-ready-to-eat) all day. YumL
Tonight we got to talk for a little bit…lately he’s been silent.
I’ve been patient, because I know he is taking care of lots of paperwork before he goes and he has a lot on his mind. He has a hard time holding back tears when he talks of leaving his family in a couple months. In our almost 14 years of marriage we’ve never been separated longer than a week, until he joined the Army. He was never into men’s retreats or going out or traveling away with friends…he’s always been a family man.
Last night, he had to get stuff off his chest. Guess he’s been thinking and praying about all this for awhile, plus the kids keep asking him questions.
“Daddy how old will I be when you get back?”
“Will you die in war?”
“How long is a year?”
So last night he had a loooonnngg conversation with the kids. He’s always been so great at conversing on the kids level and putting words together in a way they can understand. He wanted them to understand first what he would be doing, ect. Then he wanted them to understand how special and important their mama was to him (I think he got me there ;) and that it was very important they take good care of her, not take advantage of her, help her around the house, check the fluids in the car, respect and love her till he comes back!
I was thinking “should I punch him now for joining the Army?” But I hug him instead and tell him how thankful I am that he cares so much for us.
We talked about starting a new chapter in our life yet again….
Then we prayed together that God would use Michael to be a witness and a testimony to our friends and our enemies, that God would let us be a testimony to our friends and family at home, and most of all that God would always get the honor and glory for whatever waters we must cross and valleys we will hike through.
I wonder how much we’ll both change in the year he’s gone. I think about how much I’ve changed in the last two years…brought on by experiences and a journey out of the ordinary. I’m grateful I can say I appreciate the journey made, all 13 of them, :) and the changes in me were for the good. I stayed by my husband’s side and leaned on the Lord through the tough times.
I’m sure glad the Lord doesn’t deploy!!!
“How I need thee every hour!”
This morning our devotions were about the Lord asking Peter to trust him and step out of boat and walk on water!!! What a timely devotion. (Matthew 14)
I’m always asking the Lord to lead our morning devotions. We don’t follow a lesson book. I’ve a children’s bible story book and my Bible I refer to. I pray beforehand for the Lord to direct my thoughts toward what He wants us to learn today. It never fails that He gives us exactly what we need….though we…I…have heard the story countless times, it never ceases to amaze me that He gives me something new to grasp and apply to my heart not just my life.
We talked about Jesus asking us to step out onto the waters of doubt, worry, and fear over Michael leaving and going to war, and what we may have to face alone. To not look down and around our circumstances and feelings inside, but to constantly be looking up to Jesus Christ in child-like faith and trust, to make us able to walk above the “water”.
This is so important to me to grasp myself. I can’t just read a bible lesson because it’s the homeschool thing to do…a lesson to teach…and pray they retain it in their little brains like their math or English lesson. I NEED to have this embedded in my own heart and live it out loud for my children to see. They need to see that these Bible studies aren’t another school lesson, but our LIFE. A life without Christ is no life at all.
But as I lay awake last night, I pondered the reality of producing a “live-out-loud” gospel. It’s not what I say that’s going to touch my children’s hearts right now, it’s what they see…when their daddy talks to me, when I am hurt, when I get bills in the mail, when the van won’t start, when someone criticizes me, when plans change, when things don’t go my way…
If I want my children to step out on the water and walk with Jesus, I have to lead them first! I’m going to have to swallow my pride, loneliness, fear, anxiety, and show them the joy and happiness found in walking above these with Him…and that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength…I know by doing this I am PROVING His promises and His Words to be TRUTH!
And like the others in the boat that exclaimed, “Truly You are the Son of God!”
May others around also see my faith lived out loud and be able to exclaim for themselves that Jesus Christ is truly God!