I'm sure it's past midnight now...sleep is lost to me tonight. I'm emotionally drained and my energy is spent. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions since my soldier came home. Tonight we had a breakdown, or maybe it was actually a breakthrough. I think we both had this cinderella fantasy in our head about what life would be like after the big reunion. We guessed we would pick up where we left off and life would resume with flowers and sunshine.....don't get me wrong...it's been lovely beyond words to have him home...my family is complete.
What we weren't prepared for was the overwhelming chaos of emotions that would envelop us ...and shock us....we had to take a few steps back...over coffee...through the drive through....because by the time we got to Starbucks...we were both in tears and well, we just ended up driving nowhere....just driving and talking.
I don't give up easily...at all...I'm very stubborn....and that leads me to wanting to fix IT...NOW!!! I want to fix the hurt, the bitterness, break the silence, sweep the wrongs under the carpet, and pretend everything is warm and sunny.
I had to step back and realize that a YEAR is a very long time when you are seperated from your spouse....especially your spouse of 15 years!!! I didn't consider the changes, I did understand that perhaps he would endure things and see things that would change him....I'm sure I've changed to a degree. Unfornately, the pain and hurt I saw in him had nothing to do with the war!
So tonight after trying to feel our way around in the dark after the fairy dust settled.....we realized...or rather I realized that my soldier is suffering with some deep hurts and regrets that I CAN'T fix. I knew it would be painful to listen to....but it's oh so much more painful when they won't share what they're feeling and how they are dealing with it. We both came away feeling a deeper understanding and a love for each other and an understanding of how LOVE must many times be sacrificial, forgiving, forebearing, and ....sigh....letting go....letting go of hurtful words, assumptions, and judgements...and neglect. I was overwhelmed with love for him as he shared his pain...I knew it was killing him to talk about it, but for the sake of protecting me from feeling hurt or abandoned, he poured out his heart and soul.
I tell myself....tomorrow will be a new day with no mistakes in it...yet....I will trust God for what I cannot see or do....His wisdom is all I need and all I desire right now. Time is a healer and Jesus is the Great Physician.....we've been through many obstacles throughout our marriage....not one yet has torn us apart or severed our love for each other. This is just another test of our love and through God's grace and strencth we will come through that much stronger and closer.
Thanks for listening...and for all the prayers that went up for us during his deployment...especially want to thank those who every month...or many times throughout the year wrote my soldier, sent care packages, ect....letting him know you care and support him and us....YOU just don't know how much that comforted him and helped to put a bandaid on the hurt he's been through and dealing with now...thank you a million times!