Monday, March 21, 2011

trying to move forward...beginning a new chapter

I'm sure it's past midnight now...sleep is lost to me tonight. I'm emotionally drained and my energy is spent. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions since my soldier came home. Tonight we had a breakdown, or maybe it was actually a breakthrough. I think we both had this cinderella fantasy in our head about what life would be like after the big reunion. We guessed we would pick up where we left off and life would resume with flowers and sunshine.....don't get me wrong...it's been lovely beyond words to have him home...my family is complete.



What we weren't prepared for was the overwhelming chaos of emotions that would envelop us ...and shock us....we had to take a few steps back...over coffee...through the drive through....because by the time we got to Starbucks...we were both in tears and well, we just ended up driving nowhere....just driving and talking.



I don't give up easily...at all...I'm very stubborn....and that leads me to wanting to fix IT...NOW!!! I want to fix the hurt, the bitterness, break the silence, sweep the wrongs under the carpet, and pretend everything is warm and sunny.



I had to step back and realize that a YEAR is a very long time when you are seperated from your spouse....especially your spouse of 15 years!!! I didn't consider the changes, I did understand that perhaps he would endure things and see things that would change him....I'm sure I've changed to a degree. Unfornately, the pain and hurt I saw in him had nothing to do with the war!



So tonight after trying to feel our way around in the dark after the fairy dust settled.....we realized...or rather I realized that my soldier is suffering with some deep hurts and regrets that I CAN'T fix. I knew it would be painful to listen to....but it's oh so much more painful when they won't share what they're feeling and how they are dealing with it. We both came away feeling a deeper understanding and a love for each other and an understanding of how LOVE must many times be sacrificial, forgiving, forebearing, and ....sigh....letting go....letting go of hurtful words, assumptions, and judgements...and neglect. I was overwhelmed with love for him as he shared his pain...I knew it was killing him to talk about it, but for the sake of protecting me from feeling hurt or abandoned, he poured out his heart and soul.



I tell myself....tomorrow will be a new day with no mistakes in it...yet....I will trust God for what I cannot see or do....His wisdom is all I need and all I desire right now. Time is a healer and Jesus is the Great Physician.....we've been through many obstacles throughout our marriage....not one yet has torn us apart or severed our love for each other. This is just another test of our love and through God's grace and strencth we will come through that much stronger and closer.



Thanks for listening...and for all the prayers that went up for us during his deployment...especially want to thank those who every month...or many times throughout the year wrote my soldier, sent care packages, ect....letting him know you care and support him and us....YOU just don't know how much that comforted him and helped to put a bandaid on the hurt he's been through and dealing with now...thank you a million times!

Aubrey xo

167 comments:

Unknown said...

Thanks so much for this post Aub. Sometimes via facebook, blogs etc... I get the feeling that all my friends lives are perfect, flawless, and otherwise divine...So when my husband and I have problems I feel like we're the ONLY ones. I'm not saying we're in despair or anything as I'm sure you guys are'nt as well. But sometimes we go through 'growing periods' when there just doesn't seem to be a clear answer. But God is faithful always---So thanks for keeping it real. Love you and I will continue to pray for you and yours.

Aubrey said...

ayesha~ thanks so much for your comment...I see what you mean. Growing periods for us have brought us closer for sure...and thankfully I have a man who wants to stay close and "keep it real" as well! xo

sasicas said...

Hang in there, over time you will see many more challenges come up because of the time spent away. Make sure to keep the lines of communication wide open. So glad he was able to open up to you...so many men cannot....

A said...

Thanks for this post Aubrey, your honesty is so refreshing.

Life is what happens while you're busy making other (Cinderella) plans.

A year is a long time and that part of the world (Afghanistan) changes you... in a good way I think. And being alone with your kids without your husband changes you too. I guess "change" is not the right word here... "growth" maybe? I think it's all part of love. But I am horrible at giving advice so this is all I am gonna say.

Aubrey said...

Thank you Cassie xo! Agnes~ thank you...I agree...life happens no matter how you dream or plan it, I suppose the difference is what you do with the changes and how you look at them! Thanks for commenting! xo

Perspective said...

Aubrey - This is a wonderful post, despite the difficulty tha is contained in it. We will continue to send prayers your way. Growing up in a military family myself, having witnessed the 'rise and fall' (so to speak) that occured before and after each deployment I know that it is not easy. You and Micheal have made it through many obstacles and have an incredible love and respect towards one another. You also have something else....The Lord ever present in your marriage and your family. You will get through this...It may not be easy, but in the end...I truly think you will be closer and stronger from it! Sending you love and prayers!

Anonymous said...

tramadol online no prescription illegal buy tramadol online - cheap tramadol overnight shipping

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol gi bleed - buy tramadol 200mg online

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol overnight cod safest place buy tramadol online - tramadol 50 mg abuse

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online order tramadol with saturday delivery - tramadol hcl with alcohol

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol legal buy tramadol online us - tramadol 37.5 mg

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol overnight delivery 50 mg tramadol vs 10 mg hydrocodone - tramadol extended release

Anonymous said...

tramadol 100mg tramadol hcl like - buy tramadol online for dogs

Anonymous said...

discount ativan ativan dosage to sleep - ativan dosage equal to xanax

Anonymous said...

tramadol generic tramadol extended release generic - tramadol 50 mg tab

Anonymous said...

klonopin pills klonopin side effects chest pain - can you withdrawal klonopin

Anonymous said...

where to buy tramadol safe take 2 50mg tramadol - what does tramadol 50 mg look like

Anonymous said...

ativan for anxiety ativan overdose level - ativan stopping use of

Anonymous said...

buy klonopin online klonopin withdrawal recovery - klonopin withdrawal facial pain

Anonymous said...

buy ambien online ambien 10mg - ambien to purchase

Anonymous said...

ambien ambien generic - buy vicodin and ambien online

Anonymous said...

klonopin 2mg klonopin 30 mg - klonopin dosage myoclonus

Anonymous said...

where to buy ambien online ambien dosage 2.5 - side effects long term ambien use

Anonymous said...

cheap tramadol uss cheap tramadol - tramadol online mastercard

Anonymous said...

ambien drug ambien sleep apnea side effects - sleep eating from ambien

Anonymous said...

lorazepam mg ativan and high liver enzymes - ativan for drug addiction

Anonymous said...

buy ambien online the ambien high - ambience mall gurgaon career

Anonymous said...

cheap carisoprodol pills called soma - generic name for soma compound

Anonymous said...

tramadol 50 tramadol kidney failure - buy tramadol online fedex delivery

Anonymous said...

tramadol online pharmacy is ordering tramadol online illegal - buy tramadol store

Anonymous said...

clonazepam no prescription klonopin children anxiety - klonopin and alcohol high

Anonymous said...

cheap tramadol online tramadol hcl recall - legit online pharmacy tramadol

Anonymous said...

ambien online no prescription ambien withdrawal and side effects - can buy ambien mexico

Anonymous said...

ativan no prescription ativan 2 mg/ml - lorazepam ratiopharm 1mg wirkung

Anonymous said...

buy soma soma generic pictures - soma generic vs watson

Anonymous said...

clonazepam without prescription can 1 mg of klonopin get you high - klonopin dosage for cats

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol with paypal tramadol qt prolongation - can you buy tramadol legally online

Anonymous said...

ambien zolpidem ambien cr 6.25 mg prices - ambien generic alternatives

Anonymous said...

soma muscle soma san diego age requirement - soma online sale

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol order tramadol online usa - tramadol hydrochloride buy online

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol overnight shipping buy cheap tramadol online no prescription - tramadol next day

Anonymous said...

buy soma online does soma san diego have seats - how to buy somatropin injection

Anonymous said...

ambien ambien effect on drug test - ambien indian pharmacy

Anonymous said...

cheap viagra cheap viagra vipps - buying generic viagra online reviews

Anonymous said...

cheap viagra 100mg viagra buy malaysia - brand viagra online pharmacy

Anonymous said...

buy ambien online buy ambien online overnight delivery - pictures generic ambien tablets

Anonymous said...

generic tramadol online buy tramadol soma - buy tramadol online overnight

Anonymous said...

generic ambien can buy ambien online - buy generic ambien online no prescription

Anonymous said...

viagra online buy generic viagra uk - buy viagra professional online no prescription

Anonymous said...

buy ambien ambien overseas pharmacy - generic ambien identify

Anonymous said...

tramadol no prescription 3 tramadol high - tramadol recreational use dosage

Anonymous said...

buy ambien online buy ambien prescription - ambience mall gurgaon outlets

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cheap tramadol on line - buy tramadol online no prescription needed

Anonymous said...

viagra online viagra online price comparison - viagra gel

Anonymous said...

generic ambien ambien side effects when stopped - ambien side effects hiccups

Anonymous said...

buy viagra viagra online consultation - viagra joke generic name

Anonymous said...

buy ambien online ambien side effects heart rate - ambien cr vs xanax

Anonymous said...

cheap tramadol no prescription tramadol online next day delivery - tramadol hcl shelf life

Anonymous said...

buy ambien ambien dosage 15 mg - cost of brand name ambien

Anonymous said...

buy viagra 100mg purchase viagra philippines - buy viagra online mumbai

Anonymous said...

buy soma online best generic soma - soma cycles

Anonymous said...

buy klonopin online klonopin side effects blood pressure - klonopin online no prescription overnight

Anonymous said...

viagra online buy viagra jakarta - pfizer viagra online cheap

Anonymous said...

buy generic soma buy watson soma online - soma san diego shows

Anonymous said...

buy cialis with paypal cialis online ireland - generic cialis potency

Anonymous said...

online soma soma pain killer muscle relaxer - soma 350 mg uses

Anonymous said...

buy viagra generic viagra forum uk - purchase viagra germany

Anonymous said...

viagra online pharmacy order viagra online canada - buy viagra tokyo

Anonymous said...

buy viagra online buy 150 mg viagra - viagra online testimonials

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online where to buy tramadol online usa - lowest dosage tramadol

Anonymous said...

cheapest soma soma san diego 21 - soma muscle relaxer ingredients

Anonymous said...

order viagra online without script generic viagra no prescription online - viagra online 24 hours

Anonymous said...

cheap generic viagra best place buy viagra online - canadian online pharmacy viagra no prescription

Anonymous said...

buy viagra pills online viagra online prescription - buy viagra kamagra online

Anonymous said...

buy viagra online buy cheap viagra online canada - viagra online pharmacy

Anonymous said...

can you buy viagra at walmart viagra india - viagra online questionnaire

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol rx tramadol extended release high - where to buy tramadol cod

Anonymous said...

cheap cialis online buy+cialis+online+without+prescription+in+canada - buy cialis online fast shipping generic

Anonymous said...

order tramadol tramadol withdrawal length - tramadol dosage labrador retriever

Anonymous said...

buy viagra and cialis online buy viagra online using paypal - purchase viagra online in india

Anonymous said...

buy viagra cheap best site order viagra - viagra dosage in 24 hours

Anonymous said...

order tramadol online mastercard buy tramadol 200 - tramadol max dose

Anonymous said...

buy sildenafil best place buy viagra yahoo - how to purchase viagra online

Anonymous said...

order viagra without rx online viagra online deutschland - online viagra herbal

Anonymous said...

order viagra generic viagra buy england - best online pharmacy viagra cialis

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online does tramadol high feel like - buyers of tramadol

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online cod tramadol dosage adults - tramadol 100mg 50mg

Anonymous said...

order tramadol online cod buy generic tramadol online - tramadol buy online cheap

Anonymous said...

propecia without prescription propecia side effects dissipate - buy propecia online cheap

Anonymous said...

buy generic tramadol no prescription tramadol hcl 50 mg webmd - just pills order tramadol online

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol without a script buy tramadol online fedex delivery - buy tramadol faq

Anonymous said...

propecia online buy generic propecia inurl forum - propecia quarter pill

Anonymous said...

sildenafil 100mg is generic viagra effective and safe - viagra new zealand buy online

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol acetaminophen high - tramadol withdrawal method

Anonymous said...

cheap tramadol tramadol 100mg online overnight - buy tramadol in canada

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol without rx can you buy tramadol usa - buy tramadol online no prescription usa

Anonymous said...

buy retin-a retin a 0.1 no prescription - retin a micro not covered by insurance

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol withdrawal symptoms usa - buy tramadol online dogs

Anonymous said...

generic propecia can you buy propecia over the counter - generic propecia ou proscar

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol addiction + 2011 - tramadol no prescription free shipping

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cod fedex tramadol online no prescription overnight - tramadol 50 mg strength

Anonymous said...

propecia online generic propecia cheapest - propecia plus rogaine results

Anonymous said...

cheap finasteride safe buy propecia online - propecia 5mg or 1mg

Anonymous said...

buy cheap tramadol tramadol for dogs post surgery - buy tramadol europe

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol snort - can you buy tramadol over the counter in usa

Anonymous said...

tramadol 50mg buy tramadol online no prescription - buy tramadol online overnight shipping

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol 50 mg 180 tabs - buy tramadol online usa

Anonymous said...

buy finasteride online will generic propecia available us - does generic propecia exist

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cod where to buy tramadol online - tramadol 50 mg for ultram

Anonymous said...

tramadol 50 mg tramadol toothache - tramadol hcl nih

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol without prescriptions buy tramadol money order - tramadol 50 mg compared

Anonymous said...

propecia online propecia+60 years old - generic propecia buy online

Anonymous said...

tramadol online no prescription tramadol hcl back pain - tramadol hcl vs vicodin

Anonymous said...

order tramadol buy tramadol online safely - tramadol dosage weight

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online buy tramadol generic ultram - tramadol withdrawal symptoms nausea

Anonymous said...

tramadol 50mg tramadol dosage erowid - generic tramadol online

Anonymous said...

viagra online without prescription buy viagra super active - cheap viagra us pharmacy

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol buy discount tramadol - cheap tramadol online uk

Anonymous said...

generic cialis online cialis how it works - cialis online ricetta

Anonymous said...

buy cialis generic cialis date - cialis online legal

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol no prescription ultram 100mg online - cheap tramadol overnight

Anonymous said...

generic viagra buy generic viagra online with mastercard - purchase viagra in melbourne

Anonymous said...

tramadol 50 mg effects of tramadol addiction - tramadol withdrawal restless legs

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol tramadol xr recreational - the cheapest tramadol online

Anonymous said...

buy cheap viagra how to order viagra online - viagra for women heart

Anonymous said...

generic cialis buy cialis online reviews - cialis manufacturer

Anonymous said...

cheap generic cialis cialis показания - cialis for daily use and bph

Anonymous said...

buy cheap viagra viagra buy safe - best place buy generic viagra online

Anonymous said...

buy generic cialis cheap cialis overnight delivery - get coupon cialis

Anonymous said...

generic viagra online buy viagra online us no prescription - buy viagra for women online

Anonymous said...

buy viagra cheap does viagra for women really work - legal purchase viagra online

Anonymous said...

generic cialis cheapest place buy cialis online - generic cialis online pharmacy reviews

Anonymous said...

buy cialis target pharmacy price cialis - cialis 5mg online australia

Anonymous said...

viagra online without prescription legitimate online pharmacy viagra - viagra in us

Anonymous said...

cialis online canada cheap cialis lilly - buy cialis online prescription

Anonymous said...

cialis professional cialis voucher - buy cheap cialis uk

Anonymous said...

cialis for sale generic cialis levitra - buy cialis canada paypal

Anonymous said...

generic cialis cheap cialis online uk - cialis glaucoma

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online no prescription tramadol withdrawal after 2 weeks - order tramadol online overnight shipping

Anonymous said...

buy soma online soma 350mg online - generic soma from usa

Anonymous said...

buy cialis cialis online overnight delivery - cialis dosage reviews

Anonymous said...

buy soma online muscle relaxer similar soma - discount soma bras

Anonymous said...

buy cialis cialis 100mg price - buy cheapest cialis

Anonymous said...

viagra online best place buy viagra online us - viagra can women take

Anonymous said...

buy soma online snorting soma pills - soma therapy

Anonymous said...

order soma soma san diego two door cinema club - soma prescription drug

Anonymous said...

soma drug soma san diego schedule - soma generic 350 mg

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online no prescription cod tramadol 200mg online - buy tramadol from canada

Anonymous said...

tramadol 100mg ultram tramadol withdrawal - kind drug tramadol 50mg

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol no prescription overnight tramadol veterinary - tramadol hcl nsaid

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol hcl info - tramadol keeps me awake

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cod fedex tramadol hcl 100mg side effects - buy tramadol online overnight cod

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol tramadol hcl schedule - ultram rx online

Anonymous said...

tramadol 50 online pharmacy uk tramadol - buy-tramadol.info

Anonymous said...

where to buy retin-a online retin-a gel 0.01 side effects - retin a micro eczema

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol saturday delivery tramadol 50 mg generic ultram - best place to buy tramadol online reviews

Anonymous said...

where to buy retin a micro retin a cream thailand - retin a wrinkles before and after pictures

Anonymous said...

tramadol no rx buy ultramon - buy tramadol for dogs

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol tramadol 93 58 oval - tramadol 100mg online overnight

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol rx tramadol online next day - buy tramadol missouri

Anonymous said...

cheap tramadol online tramadol high tolerance - tramadol 200mg

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online cheap purchase tramadol online cod - tramadol extended release tablets

Anonymous said...

cheap tramadol can take 2 tramadol 50mg - buy generic tramadol online

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol 50mg value - buy-tramadol-online.org

Anonymous said...

tramadol 50 buy tramadol money order - generic tramadol online no prescription

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online cod купить tramadol online - tramadol hcl brand name

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol 50mg (generic ultram) - how to buy tramadol in usa